the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
