Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
