Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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