You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
