Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
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