Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
