So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
