I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
