When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
