why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
