I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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