sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
