Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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