dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
