The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You ruined the universe
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
