just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
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