So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
