I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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