Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
