We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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