He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
