tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
