just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
