awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
