just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
