Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
