Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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