we have officially lost it.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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