Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
