its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just invented taco cereal.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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