I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
