jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Everclear isn't food dammit
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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