DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
