I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I cut my penus on the lid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
