i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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