dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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