the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You've changed since you got that strap on
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
