I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
