I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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