Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
