seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
