It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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