Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
