I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
