please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
