was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
