Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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