I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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