dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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