you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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